


Weird-ass Harringrove Shit

by WhiteHawkHarringrove



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy Can't Drive, Billy screams everything, Billy speeds, Hopper Has a Pet Turkey, I REGRET NOTHING, M/M, Philippay is awesome, Speedos, Teleporting Turkey, Weirdness, Yet He Still Does
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-06-01 04:05:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15134735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteHawkHarringrove/pseuds/WhiteHawkHarringrove
Summary: Weird Harringrove shit, the title says it all.





	1. Shopping

**Author's Note:**

> I regret nothing

Billy's car skidded to a halt in front of the grocery store. Steve was still holding on for dear life, even though the death ride was over.

“WE'RE HEEEEERE!” Billy announced cheerfully. Steve whipped open the door and hurled on the pavement beside the vehicle. Steve and Billy entered the store, searching for what they needed.

“Chief Hopper? What are you doing in the speedo section?” Steve asked gleefully. The chief glanced briefly at his cart full of speedos that were almost burying his pet turkey, Philippay. Philippay gobbled softly. 

“Philippay, we've been through this, you can't get a speedo from here, they don't sell turkey speedos,” Hopper hushed the turkey. He straightened his flowery pink dress and refused to answer Steve as he walked away. 

“And what's with the purse?” Steve shouted after the chief and a watermelon soared past his head, just barely missing his face. Steve regrouped with Billy and went to the produce section. 

“HOLY MOTHER FADOODLECAKES OF THE LORD ALMIGHTY!” Billy shrieked as he went to grab a bundle of dragonfruit and Eleven's head popped out from beside him, in the lemons.

“Hopper?” She asked, frowning. She emerged from the seemingly endless pit of lemons and looked up at Billy.

“WHAT THE MOTHER CRACKER JACK SMITHY IS A HOPPER?” Billy screamed, El shrugged and walked away, with Philippay on a leash... But Philippay was just with Hopper? Steve noticed the speedo on the turkey's head but shrugged as the turkey gobbled angrily. Maybe he was one of those hybrid, teleporting turkeys.

“Billy, you okay?” Steve asked. 

“WHAT THE CHEESEBALLS?” Billy asked, Steve shrugged and went to look at the speedos until Billy found him and they started making out on top of the bread, which was right next to the speedos. Steve took the shopping list when they were done and started examining it, trying to decipher Billy's writing. It was written in blue crayon and looked like it had been written by a two year old.

“Okay, we still need frittatas, chicken fajitas and as you requested quote unquote “good shit”, Dustin also put 'marijooana' on here... remind me to to give him kudos for attempting to copy your writing and a spelling lesson,” Steve told Billy but when he looked up, Billy wasn't there. 

He looked down by his feet to see Billy wiggling like a gleeful slug and singing My Heart Will Go On. The gang of kids smashed through the glass window of the supermarket in Billy's car. Max was driving.

“STEEEEEEVE! El and Philippay have been stealed by a demogorgon again!” Dustin screeched. Steve grumbled to himself, Dustin needed a grammar lesson too.

“DEMO-I-DON'T-GIVE-A-SHIT! WE NEED GROCERIES! THE LITTLE CHIMICHUNGA WAS JUST HERE LITERALLY TWO SECONDS AGO WITH THAT DAMN TURKEY!” Billy told them. The store manager was flipping out, he jumped off the checkout belt and threw a hole-puncher at Max.

“Pleeeeeeeeeeeease,” The kids pleaded. Steve huffed and dropped down beside Billy.

“FIIIIIIIIIIINE!” Billy and Steve screeched in unison


	2. Singing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Billy break into the Byers' house and try to teach the kids how to sing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still regret nothing

“WHYYYYYYYY STEEEEEVE?” Billy asked as they whipped around the corner in the Camaro. Steve held on for dear life, the tires screeched and sounded like a bike ran over a cat's tail and said cat ran into a pit of cobras and won, killing all the cobras.

“Billy, you're overreacting,” Steve stated as they screeched to a halt in front of the Byers residence. Steve was launched forward, sending his face into the dashboard. He sat there for a few seconds, questioning his life choices. “Ow.”

“WE'RE HEEEEEERE,” Billy screeched. This time Steve hit his head on the dash on purpose.

“Must you say that every time you almost kill me?” Steve muttered, opening the car door and flopping onto the ground. He shut the car door and slowly inchwormed towards the front door, dragging his face on the ground. 

Billy opened the window of the house and threw his leg over the windowsill, ducking into the house. Steve shrugged and followed close behind. All the lights were off in the house so Billy and Steve tripped on everything possible, from a crack in the floor to the Byers' cat to the... turkey? Philippay gobbled furiously when Steve stepped on his tail feathers.

“Philippay! You will not use that language in this household!” Steve scolded the turkey. Philippay eyed Billy suspiciously and gobbled.

“WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME YOU MAYONAISE MONKEY HEADED TOOTHPASTE EATER?” Billy shrieked. Philippay gobbled like the smug little bastard he was. Billy charged at the turkey but Steve held him back.

“Deal with Philippay later, do you not remember why we're here?” Steve asked, flouncing into the living room where all the kids were sleeping. 

“Fiine,” Billy huffed like the petulant child he was. Steve searched for Dustin among the kids and eventually found him. He lay down next to Dustin, face inches away from the teen's and shook him awake. His eyes snapped open.

“So, I was thinking... you know how- stop screaming- you know how you all wanted to learn how to sing?” Steve asked.

“No.” Dustin closed his eyes after the heart attack he almost had. Steve shook him again. His eyes opened again.

“We decided that we would teach you all!” Steve said cheerfully. Dustin was instantly awake, he shot up into a sitting position.

“What do you mean 'we'?” Dustin asked, Steve pointed to Billy who was glaring at Philippay. “Steve, it's 4 am, last time you did this we ended up starting a conga line at Walmart that ended at McDonald's.”

“It's just a singing lesson. Wake everyone up, I'll get the sheet music,” Steve giggled and ran out the front door to the car. He got out the papers and headed back into the house. The kids seemed wide awake and Billy was standing there with an air horn which he quickly threw out the window, landing on Philippay. Steve handed out the papers. Dustin frowned and started to read the title out loud.

“51 Positions for-”Steve snatched the paper and handed him a different paper. Dustin stood there, scarred. Billy chuckled. 

“WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?” Billy asked. Steve shrugged. Dustin frowned even deeper.

“Why does this say 'Girls Just Want To Have Fun'?” Mike asked, waving the paper in the air. Steve ignored the question.

“Okay, everybody, Dustin, start us off! And a one, and a two and a three,” Steve counted in, Dustin's eyebrows were drawn together but he started to sing.

“I come home in the morning light-” Dustin started and the rest joined in quietly.

“I CAN'T HEAR YOU!” Billy shouted in a sing song voice. They all started singing louder.

“STOP!” Steve shouted. They all stopped at once and looked at Steve, scared.

“Are you reading the sheet music?” Steve asked. Mike glared at him, the rest of the kids were just scared.

“Yes,” They responded in unison

“Then why fOR THE LOVE OF GOD ARE YOU SINGING AN A FLAT WHEN IT IS CLEARLY AN A SHARP?” Steve asked, flustered. “Not you, Dusty, you're singing great, you too Philippay.”

“We don't even know how to read sheet music.” Will voiced softly. Steve sighed and walked out of the house, passing Hopper in his pink, polka-dotted muumuu, who was out walking Philippay.

“THAT DAMN TURKEY IS EVERYWHERE!!!!” Billy shrieked like a little girl and ran into his car door.


	3. Cooking(Sort Of)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end part of this scene was taken from a Tim Hawkins video  
> The bun scene, on the other hand, was actual dialogue that happened between my grandparents

“WE'RE HEEEEEEERE!” Billy announced, flouncing into the kitchen, wearing a spandex singlet bodysuit. Steve glared at him from where he was standing across the room. He had been about to open the microwave when Billy entered.

“Yes Billy, I know... we've been here for 16 hours... you don't need to say that every time you go somewhere.” Billy just huffed and made his way over to his boyfriend who had finally opened the microwave. He pulled out a bun from the microwave and experimentally tapped it against the counter.

“WHY IS THERE A BUN IN THE MICROWAVE?” Billy asked. Steve shrugged, looking at the bun with a very confused face.

“You could kill someone with this,” Steve commented, the bun was rock hard. Steve didn't know how or why it was in there in the first place but he heard a gobble from behind him.

“YOU!” Billy shrieked, just now noticing the Turkey standing in the middle of the room. Billy held up a katana when the turkey took a step towards him. “GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC YOU DONKEY FACED TOOTHPASTE MONKEY!” 

Hopper walked in at that moment with Philippay on a leash. Billy screeched like a walrus in heat and ran in the other direction, tripping down 2 flights of stairs. It was then that Steve noticed that Hopper was wearing nothing but a speedo.

“What are you doing in my house?” Hopper asked. Steve glanced over his shoulder to the chief.

“Looking through your food, which reminds me, we're out of peanut butter,” Steve told him, opening the oven to reveal a pot of something that closely resembled lava. He pulled his creation out and accidentally spilled it on Hopper's antique table.

“You need to take your boyfriend somewhere... and you need to do it now!” Hopper growled darkly. Steve's eyes widened.

“Okay... Where do you want me to take him?” Steve asked, scared. He didn't know why he was asking Hopper this but he did.

“I don't give a rip where you take him... just get out of here,” Hopper growled again. Steve went and grabbed Billy leading him towards the door, away from the seething police chief.

“Okay, Billy, get in the car. He said- GET IN THE CAR!” Steve shrieked, still holding the lava pot. He put it on the table.

“I'll just leave this with you,” Steve said quickly.

”We'll be back in...” Steve paused to look at his watch while he slipped through the door, “June.”

With that Steve and Billy fled the property.


	4. Birthday Shopping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following story is based on a trip to Pier 1 Imports, the dialogue is slightly changed and shortened. I have said most of the dialogue in this story

Billy slammed on the breaks in the parking lot.

“WE'RE HEEEEEEERE!” Billy exclaimed. Steve whacked him and got out of the vehicle, hitting his head on the way out. 

Steve and Billy flounced through the aisles at Pier 1 Imports. Steve pointed at a strange thing on the shelf. It looked like a metal pumpkin with a straw coming out of the top.

“Should we get her this?” Steve asked, picking up the object and examining it. 

“WHAT IS IT?” Billy asked, taking the object from Steve.

“I don't know, it looks like a bong if you ask me. Does El need a bong? Does she even smoke weed?” Steve asked, Billy was too busy looking at a selection of ornamental balls. He picked 2 up.

“SHOULD GET HER A PAIR OF THESE, WE BOTH KNOW HER BOYFRIEND DOESN'T HAVE ANY,” Billy chuckled to himself. Steve picked them up and put them in the cart along with the pumpkin bong. They continued to flounce, Billy giggled when he saw something on the shelf. “WHAT ABOUT THIS?” 

“Of course, because nothing says 'Happy Birthday' like an inflatable clam pool floatie that looks like lady parts,” Steve mumbled, mostly to himself. He picked it up anyway, putting it in the cart. 

“Harrington, why are you even dating him?” Hopper asked from behind him, still wearing the mumu from the other day, he was holding Philippay in his arms. “He's not the brightest crayon in the toolshed.”

“YOU WILL BE CURSED FOR ALWAYS AND ETERNITY!” Billy hissed at Philippay then slurped melted ice cream from a spoon. 

“Who cares? He's RIPPED, I want that boy to be my bride,” Steve told Hopper in response, in an Australian accent. 

“MY NAME IS HAPPY SLAPPY. FIRST NAME HAPPY, LAST NAME SLAPPY. BUT YOU CAN CALL ME HUSBAND,” Billy said to Steve. 

“Lovely little troll,” Steve replied. Billy frowned. “That's not the head you should be using.”

Hopper fake vomited then walked away, leaving Philippay with Billy and Steve.

“AW HELL NAAAAAAAAAAAW!” Billy shrieked, running out to the car, leaving Steve to pay for the presents. He emerged from the store a few seconds later. 

“BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER!” Billy yelled at Steve from the driver's seat of the car that was running and ready to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Slappy is a term from a movie: it means sex


End file.
